Hey all, so sorry if i have not called or emailed back, but i have been totally busy that last four days. Thursday we went to WEEN. It was good. You know, every time i see them, and it has been a few now, going into the show i am always skeptical. I mean they play silly two to three minute songs that range from the absurd to the very prolific and thought provoking, even if it is for those two minutes. So we went. They played the handful of songs that i wanted to hear, Spinal meningitis, Bananas and Blow, Roses are Free (which Phish covers a lot, well when they were still a band, and it's my friend Josh's favorite song, too bad he picked that time to hit the bar and bathroom, but i think he said he heard it in the drink line) so, all in all it was successful. I also learned an important lesson. One that will probably still take a while to sink in, but it I can say that i really am starting to learn it. You really can't have any expectations for other people. at all, ever. Once you start to put your expectations on situations and people, you begin your downward spiral towards disappointment every time. It is natural to want to pre-envision how something is going to go or how someone is going to act, especially if you have not seen them in a while, but it will ultimately lead to your own downfall.
So, i haven't heard from a friend in a while. We learned that we would be going to the same show, WEEN, Thursday night. we have been friends for years, well I met her the same time Jeff and I started dating, so like for seven years, I have known her. She is also a friend on my myspace page and she answered a survey, which people do all the time. Well one of the questions was are you married, engaged etc.. so since she had her wedding in Hawaii last year, i expected to see the yes answer and as expectations do, i was shocked to see a "no" answer. So i emailed her and said, "Wow, what happened there??? I guess i haven't seen you in a while, want to grab a drink and chat. She wrote back, yeah and we made plans.. Well of course she was 30 minutes late... but whatever, traffic can be a bitch. She gets there and sits down, talks to me for about 2 minutes, see another friend walk past and got up to say hi... no biggie because we were talking, i figured she would come back and sit down.. well she didn't and the she just stood in front of me deliberately NOT sitting back in her empty chair next to me.. so i got up and asked a few questions about some mutual friends that i don't see anymore from up top. She gave one word answers and then just blatantly walked away..
So, what confuses me is that (1) ok, maybe she didn't want to talk about her divorce, short marriage, etc,, fine, we were friends before she met her ex and i thought we had more to talk about than a failed marriage. at least I thought.. and (2) if she didn't want to talk to me, why even show up and why even say she was excited to see and hang out with me, but then have the chance and not talk to me??? Oh well, i cried about it when we got home, and i have since realized that she is one a one way path, and i am not going in her direction. oh well, things happen, and i shouldn't beat myself up over someone else's decisions. My mistake was having expectations that she wanted to be my friend. so therefore i expected her to act like a friend, and that totally is not the case.. move on, right..
So, that was Thursday. Friday, i stayed home.. As the weekend would prove, i am just feeling in a rut and not very productive with my life, so i think i need to bring a jolt to the system. Just not sure what that is either.. so woke up in a funk, and just needed some quiet time. Jeff had to go to work, but was able to come home early enough to go to lunch. Which we did. Got some falafel plates and some hummus.. so good. A friend called and said he had extra baseball tickets if we wanted them, but we decided to decline to stay home and rest. It was going to be a big, long, hot weekend.. and that it was..
Saturday & Sunday we went to the Mile High Music Festival. It was the first in Denver of this size and caliber. We started Saturday with a good dose of sunblock and headed out into the temps.. I think i am going to write a bigger review later, but the gist was it was too hot, and big for me and I think I am over the HUGE festival scene... right as it is taking over the country. But a lot of people had a great time, and a lot of people sweated their butts off to see some good bands and some mediocre bands. But all in all, i have learned maybe a few more things that are valuable to my growing as a person. (1) It's big and hot, i probably am going to be crowded and hot. (2) If i am not shooting and jeff is, i spend a lot of time by myself, most of the time it's ok, but after the fifth or so time, i get testy, waiting by myself. (3) Eat before i go because there is never enough time to wait in a line to get food and jennifer doesn't like to be hungry, and therefore gets testy.
Anywhoo, back at work. still feeling lame and that i need a jolt. Not sure what it is, but i just feel like i am not doing what i am supposed to be doing and not sure what it is that I should be doing. All i know is that it is in televison or film and i am not getting there right now.
I love my doc that i have been working on, and I think it is a good idea, I just have trouble getting the idea to the screen. Not that that isn't a HUGE undertaking and one would expect it to be hard, but well the whole project is turning out to be difficult. When I entered into it, it was just me and my camera. Now i have all this footage and not one idea how to get it translated. I get really frustrated and feel overwhelmed when i turn on my computer and open Final Cut. It's there, i am just stuck.. it's frustrating to be frustrated with yourself.
Which leads me to another lesson that i am learning. When you are over-all frustrated with something you can't control, it tends to come out in very stupid and very immature ways. When I notice I am starting to act that way, about things that don't get to me normally. I really have to stop and listen to what's going on inside. I learned that I can get to the bottom of things by asking why over and over...
example. I feel tired. why? because i didn't get enough sleep, why? because i was tossing all night, why? because i couldn't stop thinking about "blank"... why? etc... It just sucks because it also takes being VERY honest with yourself, and most of the time, that really sucks. but you grow...
Ok, enough of my life lessons i am learning that stemmed from this weekend.. Oh but there is one more thing... people don't like to learn from your experiences, most of the time.. And like my vison quest leader said, Don't always give your pearls away freely, most will just take them absent minded and toss them aside. I guess just by typing this blog, I have broken that lesson i should have learned but have tossed it aside...
everyday is for learning and trying again.. here's to do-overs.
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Giving your pearls away freely. I like that. I need to do that but it sucks to have someone who when you do give your pearl away to them, tosses it aside and then finds it about 2 weeks later and joyfully announces that it is his own..... uh, didn't I say that a couple weeks ago???
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